Pushed it in!!!

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn`t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn`t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Bob, who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Johnny`s Plan

A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher`s pet.

He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.

She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room.

He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don`t give a damm about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"

Indefinetly

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word `indefinitely` in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he`s a trouble maker and that he doesn`t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there`s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

Sex is

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is:
"Duty", if done with your Wife.
"Art", if done with your Lover.
"Education", if done with a Virgin.
"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute.
"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee.
"Charity", if done with a Widow and
"Meditative Trance", if done by yourself.
So Stop feeling guilty, which ever it may be.......... and JUST DO IT!

What do women do all day?

This one goes out for all the housewives with kids at home.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

Cheating Store Owner

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and sub woofers. “How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I'll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I'm doing to his business!”

Know where you're going in life

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

" Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.

We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard ( real corporate types)and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City !

From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

and the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there.

Some interesting history

Mark Twain was a popular American author who wrote such books as the Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."

Lincoln and J F Kennedy, both US presidents had 7 letters in their last name. Both were over 6' feet tall. Both men studied law. Both presidents were named after their grandfathers. Both were born second children. Both presidents were shot in the head, on a Friday. Both were seated beside their wives when shot. Neither Mrs. Lincoln nor Mrs. Kennedy was injured. Both wives held the bullet-torn heads of their husbands.

1 line humours !!

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.


[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Do you know the meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.It means...Without Information Fighting Everytime!WIFE says...No, it means - With Idiot for Ever

Prince Charles removing shoes of Camilla Parker-Bowles

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.

That night, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!" He attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge..

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder"."I'm trying, But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!".

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!".

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Daddy plays Piano in a House of Prostitution

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Four Sophomores at Duke University taking Organic Chemistry

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. They had a great time ... however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written (for 95 points): "Which tire?"

Neil Armstrong and Mr Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual talk between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter popped the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Police officer at Rowdy Bar

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
In the meantime, everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was ready for him, and quickly pulled him over. After stopping the driver, the officer read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0%.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Not Long enough

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s."
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Don't poke me, bro! Facebook "poke" leads to arrest

Why do stories like this continue to surprise me?
Just when I think I've seen it all online comes a tale like the one of Tennessee's Sharon D. Jackson, who was arrested last month. Her crime? Sending a "poke" to another woman via the Facebook social network.
In my experience, few people really ever use the "poke" feature. ABC News calls it the "digital equivalent of waving at someone from across a crowded room." Others would call it the online version of a "what's up?" text message.
Either way it's an awfully harmless little feature... unless, it seems, you have a restraining order filed against you preventing you from contacting the person you poked.
It's unclear why the victim of the poke, Dana M. Hannah, has a restraining order against Jackson, but as of June, Jackson had been prohibited from "telephoning, contacting or otherwise communicating with the petitioner, directly or indirectly." It's equally unclear why Jackson poked Hannah -- or whether someone else did the poking in question under her guise -- as well as whether a poke constitutes either contact or communication.
Either way she's now in custody, as Jackson's lawyer tries "to get my hands on some Facebook documentation so we can better assess the situation." If convicted, violation of the earlier restraining order could net Jackson nearly a year in jail.
Important lessons here, folks. If you've been stalking someone to the point where they seek a legal remedy to keep you away from them, it's probably not a good idea to interact with them in any way online -- even with an innocent "poke." In fact, you might consider de-friending them on Facebook altogether to avoid the temptation.

The Great Indian Magic

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil."Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the official.

Politics Explained The Kids Way

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Gujju at Heathrow airport

At Heathrow airport, an announcement goes out over the Public Address System: "Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas ! Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas - please report to Reception".

Ranchhodbhai Karsandas, who has just arrived ex Surat, goes red with anger. He goes to the reception, and shouts loudly to the English receptionist.

The following conversation must go into history books of cock-ups:

Ranchhodbhai: "Madar Chod ! I am Ranchhod........"

Receptionist: "Mr. Madar Chod Rand Chod ? Sir, that is not the name I have here.. I have Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas........."

Ranchhodbhai: "Arrey Bhenchod, I am NOT Madar chod !!!"

Receptionist: "So are you Mr. R.A. Ben or Mr. R.A. Chod ? Is your surname Ben or Chod ?"

Ranchhodbhai: (now really really pissed) "Chootia taari ! I am Ranchhod........"

Receptionist: "Excellent sir, so who is Chootia Tari then ???"

Whenupon a Chinese guy turns up at the Reception and says: "Were you calling me ?"

Receptionist: "Who are you?"

Chinese Guy: "I am Choo Tia....."

Whereupon Ranchhodbhai decides to fly back to Surat!!!