Never make a woman angry...

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people  she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilic?ovolcanoconiosis”, she replied.

*Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!*

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the which is supposed mean lung-disease; pneumonoultramicroscopicsilico?volcanoconiosis (45 letters).

Pushed it in!!!

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn`t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn`t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Bob, who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Johnny`s Plan

A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher`s pet.

He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.

She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room.

He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don`t give a damm about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"

Indefinetly

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word `indefinitely` in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he`s a trouble maker and that he doesn`t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there`s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!